Genny's Fab Diary
Remember the 2008 Movie “ The Women” starring Meg Ryan as Mary Haines and Annette Bening as Sylvie Fowler. When Sylvie betrayed her friend Mary, their friendship experienced a non-speaking phase, and when they finally had the talk, Mary said and I quote “You know what this feels like?  It feels like that phantom limb syndrome.  You know that thing where you lose a part of your body, like an arm or something.......... but you still have the sensation that it's there”. And Sylvie thought she was referring to Stephen Mary’s estranged husband. Well, she quickly corrected her by saying “ Oh, no, I'm not talking about Stephen and me. I'm talking about you and me”. 
In many ways, losing a close friend is worse than a romantic break up, because this is your person, your confidante, and your bestie.
 
Growing up we used the phrase “frenemy” to describe friends that aren’t really friends, the unfriendly friends so to speak.  Friendships often involve a strong emotional bond to someone. As long as the friendship is healthy and thriving, that bond is a good thing. When a friendship takes a turn for the worst, that bond sometimes makes it hard to have a clean break. This can lead to former friends being subtle, or open, enemies.

We rarely give our enemies enough freedom to really hurt us. They can hurl insults, stand in our way, and even inflict pain, but we always have our guard up. But with our friends and family, we let them through the gates, inside locked doors, to the most vulnerable places. And too often, those we let near in love leverage on this to betray us. I’ve come to realize that our greatest enemy in life aside from yourself is your best friend. You can trust his or her motives. You know their ultimate goal or you think you do? Therefore they are the most trustworthy and reliable people in your life.

However, as we grow older and our interests evolve, we tend to lose friends.  A change in common interests, a serious life style change or a change in the physical location of a friend can make them become distant. It's painful when your best friend becomes your worst enemy. You feel betrayed and you struggle to understand how someone so close to you could drift so far away. Many times there are hurtful accusations that you struggle to understand – and there may be some responsibility on your end as well.

Then again, the first thing you need to do when your best friend becomes your worst enemy is to try and talk it out. You may need to wait until certain wounds scab over or until tempers cool a little, but if you want to salvage the friendship, it's worth a shot. Understand, however, that talking it out won't always be possible.

Also consider the possibility of the friendship being lost and finding ways to move on.  Sometimes friendships can be repaired like Mary and Sylvie were able to resolve their issue and move forward with their friendship in the movie, but at other times, there's just too much damage. Maybe time will heal those wounds, but that doesn't always happen. Maybe you have no interest in rekindling your relationship, or perhaps your friend quits for good. 
Whatever the case, realize when you're beating a dead horse and do everything you can to move on in a new direction.

Thanks for reading!
Love always.



Photo credit: Images sourced from the web.

She had to escape.

The rumble of happy chatter, the incessant comparisons, the demand to be who she’s not, was all too overwhelming for her. This life was suffocating her, this was not the plan, and she had to leave even if it’s just for a while. It had been a mistake to attend the family social event. She had gone through the years evading and tolerating them from a safe distance and now she deliberating fell into their trap by being in the same space with them, True, they all meant well except she felt conspicuous in her aloneness, uncomfortable in her identity as the family screw up.

At 29, she still hasn’t gotten it together, in their opinion. She works as an assistant in a gallery with a degree in Economics. They have the right connections to secure a job with one of the financial firms but that’s not her path in life. Although she studied Economics she found it very boring and only did it because it was the lesser of two evils, Medicine was totally out of the question also coupled with the fact that it was the condition given, if she wanted her fees paid. Her family had successful careers in the medical and finance world; mom is a consultant in a hospital, dad retired as a managing director in a finance firm. Her siblings followed suit—how wonderful for them.

On the other hand, she loves to paint. Growing up, Art class was the highlight of her primary and junior secondary school. Art wasn’t just a hobby, it is a way of life for her, and she hoped to have her work hanging in famous galleries soon. She made money from her paintings, it wasn’t much but it was enough to pay the bills and keep her going on a day-to-day basis. Her family needs to understand how passionate she is about her career and how happy and fulfilled she is right now. She is tired of the subtle and sometimes overt putdowns of her career just because she wouldn’t and couldn’t live up to their expectations. She tried to please and make them happy but it was to the detriment of her sanity and peace. Not everyone will have a life that is all worked out and put together by the time they hit 30 but at least she isn’t doing so bad, being an artist is actually a very dignified profession, they might not save lives or make quick statistics calculations, but what they do is also as demanding and tasking.



No job is more important than the other, regardless of earning potential, let me paint a picture for you, that world renown surgeon’s house, built and designed by an architect will be furnished with furniture that a woodworker built, wall paint applied by a painter, Fridge stocked with food items bought from a grocery shop owner, electricity provided by an electrical engineer to power those expensive devices that an engineer built in China, hope you are following this picture, what I’m saying in essence is that all jobs matter. A lot of the time our ideas about what it should mean to live successfully are not our own. They’re sucked in from other people. And we also suck in messages from everything from the television to advertising to marketing.

We have become career snobs, a snob is anybody who takes a small part of you and uses it to come to a complete vision of who you are. That is snobbery. You encounter it within minutes at a party when you get asked that iconic question  “What do you do?”

People probably have a set of ideas as to which careers are ‘good’ and which are ‘bad.’ There will be those jobs that you see as suitable for you and those that you don’t fancy doing. This changes from person to person, which is just as well, since competition for some jobs is difficult enough without everyone going for the same ones! However, within this general preference for certain types of work is an air of snobbery. In short, some feel that certain jobs are ‘below them.’ That they are somehow ‘worth more’ than someone with a job they see as undesirable. But, while there are some jobs that are clearly more desirable than others, these views are not always based on reality and can even translate through to what work or training you will even consider looking into! This career snobbery has even attached itself to views of apprenticeships, with many believing they are only for those who are ‘not good enough’ to go to university, or those who want to work in manual work.
With many graduates fail to find suitable work while some apprentices enjoy high rates of employment – perhaps it is time to consider it as a genuine option?

Either way, don’t let your misconceptions cloud your view, not everyone will be a doctor, lawyer or engineer – don’t be a career snob. It’s not cute.
Thanks for reading.
Till next time,
Xo.





As I was binge watching my favorite mini series “Big Little Lies” again, the character Celeste’s relationship with her husband Perry, got me thinking about love and unhealthy relationships? I have had my fair share of relationships and the workings of inner and outer love, and I can boldly state in my opinion (you are free to disagree), that relationships aren’t supposed to be hard contrary to what music, Hollywood and our very own Nollywood portrays.  Love is not meant to be a struggle. Yes, popular songs make it sound like it’s supposed to be.  Movies also make it seem like it’s supposed to be.  But movies and music are wrong; love is meant to be effortless and easy. When it’s not, you’re doing it wrong!



If a relationship with someone makes you feel bad, that is your mind screaming, “This person is incompatible with you! Get away and stay away!

If a relationship feels like suffocation, that’s a huge clue that you’re not in a relationship with someone who’s compatible with you.


Good relationships are effortless 80% of the time with the occasional 20% when you have to put in the work to make sure things stay in a good place. You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells, worrying that you might screw something up.  You don’t feel like you’re suffocating, wishing and hoping to finally get some sweet relief and get to breathe. You aren’t afraid to lose them. In fact, you never even think about possibly losing them because you don’t feel you need to possess them in order to experience the love you have for them.

There is a huge difference between real, true love and unhealthy obsession or fixation… but it doesn’t always feel like that. Love and obsession are related in some aspects, the two can never be thought to be the same.

It is totally Ok to be infatuated with someone at the beginning of a relationship but with time that settles into a more relaxed form of attachment.
Love is a feeling when a person wants the best for the one you love, and always want them to be happy, even if they are not part of your life. On the other hand, obsession is a crazy feeling where the person wants the other to be his or her’s only. An obsessed person always thinks of having the beloved one on his or her side all day.

When you’re fixated on someone, it feels more like you’re suffocating. It feels like you need them… like you must have them treat you a certain way, give you a certain relationship title, or somehow prove their commitment to you. You feel like until you have this, you are not going to be Ok.  I’m not talking about the light banter “I’m obsessed with you” that we use in pop culture today.

Everyone experiences jealousy to a certain degree in a relationship. Fearing losing your partner or feeling threatened around other attractive people can be a sign that you care about your relationship. On the other hand, it can become a dangerous problem when jealousy becomes excessive, unwarranted and intrusive to the other person. What I’m trying to convey in essence is that love and obsession might look alike but it is important we identify and differentiate the two. Some unlucky people have suffered dire consequences of being in a relationship with an obsessive partner.

Thanks for reading!
Xo

Images sourced from the web

It should be known that Onyi Ukorah had a secret.
It wasn’t a very big secret, nothing that would bring down National Assembly or dethrone the president . . . nothing that would destroy my family or anyone else’s . . . but it was a rather hilarious secret personally—one I tried very hard to forget whenever I could…
I have attended a fantasy traditional marriage, I mean with the whole works like aseobi, gele etc, lol just so I could go on a weekend get away with friends. 

I wouldn’t say I’ve had an eventful life but to an extent my life has indeed been colorful.
I never knew there was a world outside my daily routine of living a sheltered life where all I knew was my family, school, church in that order, until an invitation to a weekend get away.  


You see I grew up in a small town, nothing fantastic or touristy about the place, I never had an opportunity to explore other towns or visit cool places. So on a faithful Wednesday in school, my friends and I planned a weekend trip to the oil state, Port Harcourt.  You should have seen my excitement, it was palpable, I couldn’t sleep properly that night I mauled over what excuse I could come up with in-order to make the trip. I tossed and turned all night and still came up with nothing, I decided to let my friends know the next day that this wasn’t going to work out for me, remember my family I mentioned earlier, well, my papa and mama won’t like the idea that a bunch of 20 year olds will be let loose in a big city like PH their daughter inclusive even though our plan involved one of my friends auntie chaperoning.

When we met up the following day after school, I broke the news, followed with cogent reasons of why I couldn’t go. One of my friends, just wouldn’t take no for an answer, she suggested that I use her as an excuse- how can you possibly help my situation? I asked in a calm voice not belying my confusion at the suggestion and how exasperated I felt about not going on the trip.

She looked at me with a glint in her eyes because she wears glasses and proposed I tell them that a friend of mine was getting married traditionally, she also went further to suggest that we all contribute money for the fabric so I could make the attire for the supposed traditional marriage. I felt a nervous chill run through my whole body, I didn’t know if it was from excitement or fear of doing something “bad” for the first time. I got home that day and broke the news of my friend’s traditional marriage to my parents and they took it rather well, I told them the “Aseobi” were for free so they wouldn’t make a fuss about spending money.
Up until recently, my mom always asked about my friend and her “hubby” I just had to put an end to that charade by telling her the truth, at least now I’m an adult I can get away with revealing the truth, I’m not going to be punished for a lie told many years ago, or so I thought, it should be noted that my mama didn’t take that bit of revelation very well.
The shenanigans we got up to as kids/teenagers/adults makes me wonder how tasking being a parent might really be, I would love a Pinocchio nose on all my kids, so once you tell a lie, it grows longer. One can only hope.

Have you ever told a white lie in order to have fun? If yes do share your experience in the comment box below, will really love to read them.

Thanks for reading!
Xo



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